My Pet Mermaid
by maplesyrupandbeer
Summary: Hey Guys guess what I found? It's a Mermaid I bet you wish you had one :P Kikus gonna be sooo Jealous. AU UsUk Mermaid!England
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I know it sounds like fem but it's not I promise~!

IT'S SOOOO HOT! Fuck this summer sucks. (I blame China, it's THEIR fault for global warming :I) it's soo hot I tried to fry one of Tonny's eggs on the sidewalk. He was NOT happy. But dudes seriously that would have been creepy it hatched. It almost worked till I sorta ran it over with my SUV. God, why does the sun hate me? :( Well it's cool 'cuz today I was gonna go to the beach. :D I packed Whaley and Tonny into the awesomeness of my SUV with other beach essentials (Ex. watermelon, surfboard, boombox, hot dogs, extra pair of shorts, umbrella, my pet rock.) and off we went. We were there in like 2 hours, (of course we stopped at Mcdonald's for lunch first.)

This was SWEET! I parked the car, grabbed my board (Tonny could find a place to put the towels and shit) raced over the hot sand, and jumped in the water. Ahh~! Bliss.

Alright Ladies and gentlemen yall ready for my kickass sufer moves? I got this!  
So I jumped on to the board AND-fell. Psh, It just slipped. Just gotta go for it, right? So the first huge wave that came my way I jumped at. Of course I did my warrior cry "RAWWWWHHHHHHH-blaggha.." okay the first part was my warrior cry, the second part was when I was swallowing water. So maybe I should have actually known how to surf before I tried to do it in the ocean. My bad.

It's alright peoples don't cry your hero did NOT drown! I was just under the water for a long time and couldn't breath. But it was okay! Cause I found this girl, and she was drowning! D: I had to save her! She was pretty far under the water and wasn't really flailing or anything(I assumed she was knocked out or something like if she was already dead and was part a huge drug company.) She was really pretty with real short sandy blonde hair, this big emerald eyes and even bigger eyebrows...oh God those eyebrows were huge...but she was still a damsel in distress and I wasn't sure if I could have made it, but that's all part of being a hero! I swam with my awesome American strength and grabbed her hand. She looked at me like 'oh? am I being saved? My hero~!" and pulled her to the surface!

"BAWH AIR I MISSED YOU!" I gasped. She sorta cocked her head.

"What is the meaning of this?" she asked. Oh god. She's British! Aren't I a lucky hero? ;) I mean her voice was sorta deep for a chick but whatever.

"I saved you!" She must have been a bit slow. It might have been the lack of oxygen to her brain or something.

"I-I didn't need any saving thank you!" She sneered.

"Uh, yeah you did you would have drowned!" I corrected her. Okay this is when I realized that the chick didn't have legs. There was a tail. a TAIL. It was all green and scaley and fishy! SHE'S A MERMAID! ASDFGHJKL: I always wanted one ever since I saw The Little Mermaid. I HAVE TO HAVE IT!

"You're my pet now~!" I told her, then hugged her.

"WHAT? I am not a pet! You can't keep me like an animal!" She screamed.

"I'll take you home and keep you in my bathtub and you can sleep in my bed~!" I squee'd (hero-like.) "Awww, you could be like a kitty or a puppy sleeping at the foot of my bed~! Wait. You live in water... So I'll get a waterbed! :DDDD"

"I-I can't I- just-" Her face went completely red NAWWWW~. What a cutie. :3

"Why not~? It's cool I can take care of you~!" I reminded her, "what do you eat? Fishy food?"

"I am NOT a fish!" She hollered frantically at me.

"Come on, It must be lonely out here with only fishys and whales. Wait, whales are awesome. I have one. YOU GUYS CAN BE BEST FRIEND~! OMFG THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME! Don't mate with him though..." I rubbed my cheek on hers, she turned away from me.

"I-I ...Fine do what you wish..." She muttered. :D I picked her up princess style and then remembered that we were in the water and started drowning. She sorta saved me- I MEAN psh- I saved her from- the-the uh TURTLES! Yeah turtles those evil things... Spain should take care of those things, sheesh. anyway I ended up almost drowning saving her from the evil turtles. I kinda got knocked out...

"Are you alright?" she leaned over me. She musta gave me CPR. ;)

"Yeah I'm fine..." Man those eyebrows are huge. She didn't have a half bad face, her eyes were pretty (but dem eyebrows.)

I guess her body changed cuz she stood up. I didn't realize till now but she had zero boobs... I guess that's okay... she's got a nice body.. nice legs and-and wait a minute there's a dick there.. D:

"Uhh hey... you're a guy.." I managed to say.

"Yes I am... WHY?" he growled.  
"I just-" Oh shit what the hell am I supposed to say ?'Oh yeah, I just thought you were a chick, now I don't want you.' I mean he'll still be a cute pet...naw...  
"Fucking-" Tonny interrupted. Man thats guy a live saver.  
"Oh, you say you're ready to go?" I answered, "is Whaley ready?"  
"Fucking- Bastard. Fucking piece of shit," lol Tonny got sunburned XD his whole body was red except where he was wearing his sunglasses it was totally hilarious!  
He caught a glimpse of the mermaid, "Fucking Limey."  
"How rude!" He glared at Tonny.  
"Oh, forgot! Tonny this is...is.. hey dude, what's your name?" I asked him,  
"I am, uh... God, it has been a long time since I have used my name.. it is Arthur I believe," He shuddered, how sad the guy didn't even remember his own name.  
"Well I'm Alfred but you can just call me 'The Hero' anyway,So Tonny, this is my new pet Arthur, He's a mermaid," I told Tonny, "And Arthur, this is Tonny my Alien friend~! BTW why don't you have a tail anymore and not wearing pants? Its kinda weird..."  
"Because I change back human when I'm on land and I AM NOT a merMAID I am a merMAN," he scoffed then crossed his arms.  
"That doesn't answer why you don't have any clothes on, dude... Anyway Tonny dude go get whaley we'll meet you at the car."  
"Fucking bitch." Tonny said as he sorta waddled towards the water. XD

"Come on dude," I took Arthur by the hand and started dragging him.

"AH stop I can't walk all that well!" He struggled to get away from me. Not cool so I did what anyone would do and picked him up. I carried him like a princess (like I meant to earlier) to the car. Man, I forgot how many people were at the beach... there were so many kids... I think Artie scared them all...

Good thing I got my extra pair of pants it'd be weird if he was naked when we order at Mcdonald's.

A/N: ve~! well there you go the first chapter I told you its not fem! :P thanks for reading through, Please review I'm hoping to make this a longer fic but I'm not one with a long attention span.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay guys, like I told you earlier I took Artie the mermaid home with me. The ride home was kinda awkward cause when we stopped at McDonalds I got him a fish meal he was not happy about that. He threw it at me! What a jerk, right! I was just trying to be nice! I had to drive the whole way home with tartar sauce on my chest! :I Not cool. He told be that it was cruel to try to make him eat it. I mean after being in the sea for like ever you'd think he'd want to eat real food! But nooooo he said It crap! What a dick! Man, I started to really rethink keeping him as a pet, but I can't exactly give him to the pet store...

"The first time I've been on land in over 3 hundred years and you try to kill me with disgusting shit?" He crossed his arms and glared at me.

"Why haven't you been on land? I mean if you change human on land and junk," I questioned him, turning onto the highway.

"I'm not sure. The sea-hag who did this to me said that the only thing that would save me is true loves kiss, but she was sure that I would never find it..." His cheeks turned pink. psh, I had no idea why...

"Man who'd ya kiss when I was out?" man, that guy gets around! I wish I could pick up a beach chick while still having a fishy tail!

"I-I No one! I only gave you the kiss of life and-and thats it!" He sounded panicky.

"So what dude?"

"What I'm saying is that I-" VOOOOWSHHHHHH SUPER SWIRVE! I almost missed the turn off BUT NOT TODAY! Artie went flying! LAWL I told him to put a seatbelt on!

"Yo dude you okay? That was awesome!" VOOOOWWSHH another turn this time Arthur screamed like a little girl HAHAHAHA! Man, I wish I would have taken Kiku's word and put a camera in my car!

"WILL YOU STOP THAT -ahh what is your name...?" He asked

"Alfred F. Jones, your hero," I winked at him making him jump again.

"Well, will you quit doing that!" He hollard, "Being in one of these things still makes me uneasy..."

"Yeah dude I was wondering about that, if you've never been in a car and junk why aren't you like freaking out? I mean this is an awesome car I was freaking out the first time I was in it!" I turned down onto my street.

"Well, it's not like haven't seen many of these machines," He ran his fingers through his hair, " I watch people, I watch them live their lives, how happy they look and-"

VOOOWREEEEE I made a last sharp turn into the driveway and parked the car. This time Artie mashed his face into the windshield. XD Oh God my day was complete! The only thing missing was a crotch shot XD Wait a minute..

"Yo sorry dude you okay?" Gotta be a gentlemen to meh guest .

"Y-yeah I'm fine," I couldn't help but laugh when I saw the mark the windshield had left on his forehead!

"BWAHAHAHAHA!"

"What is it? Damn it you git!" big fucking tears welled up in his eyes. He was sucha pussy no wonder I thought he was a girl!

"It's just your forehead dude!" I grabbed his face and tugged him towards me. He really was pretty Like if he WAS a chick I would fuck him...If he didn't have those giant eyebrows.

"Let go of me, Idiot!" He struggled to get away from me. I guess it was kinda weird for me to just sit there staring at him intensely. So I let go of him. He grabbed for the door but couldn't find the handle, "How do you get out if this stupid thing?"

"Here I got you," I reached over him, I had to sorta get on top of him cuz it was so far away (one of the awesome things about my SUV is the space.)I finally got it open and Arthur just ran out. His face was that pinky color again.

"Dude be careful those shorts are like 4 sizes too big they're gonna f-" whoops too late. Second time he's flashed a bunch of kids today... I'm going to jail. I just picked him up and through him in the house before the kids went to tell their parents.

"What's wrong with you? Let go!" He screamed at me.

"You're first day in the block and you wanna be charged with being a pedo? Now in public we keep our clothes on in public, kay?" I don't think he was listening, but he nodded anyway whatever. He was sorta just staring at everything in the house.

"It looks...Disgusting in here!" He yelled. How rude! I mean I can't remember the last time I clean but STILL! That's not something you should say to someone's face! You keep it inside until you can't stand it anymore.

"Dick! Anyway, we need to find somewhere for you too sleep. Whaleys already called the upstairs bath, I guess you can sleep with hi- No I don't trust you not to mate with him...You could sleep in the sink... But that's full of dishes..." Really guys I couldn't think of anywhere for my poor little mermaid to sleep. :'(

"You know I don't have to sleep in wat-"

"I got it! I've got a little kiddy pool in the backyard and I can bring it in and fill it up~! I could put it in my bedroom, you could be like my little pet mermaid, Artie!" I am so awesome!

"Wouldn't just be easier if I slept on a cot or something?And don't call me Artie!" a cot? are we in the hospital or something.

"If you're not gonna sleep in water then you might as well sleep in my bed!" I pouted. I really wanted to wake up to find a mermaid instead of a guy but whatever he's my pet now. :D

"W-what!" He turned that bright pink again. Dudes...I just realized that he was stark naked...

"Hey dude ain't it weird walking around in the nude?" I do it all the time just not in front of other guys...Tonny hates it though.

"Hm? Well I can't say if feels bad...But even if it did bother me I have no clothes," He said.

"I got this dude," So I raced down to my storage closet and got out some of my clothes that I wished I fitted into (I've just grown since I got them :I) and came back Artie kinda looked confuzzled about this.

"You are joking right? people don't actually go out in public in these? I'd rather go out naked!"

"Aww come on, it's Pokemon! Put it onnn!" Come on guys, a pikachu hoodie! You'd have to be a commie to not like it!

"I am not going around dressed as a yellow bunny thing!"

"Dude it's not a bunny, he's a mouse."

We got in this huge fight about it finally I got him to put it on. (can't deny the hero :D) Don't tell him but I took pictures (does he even know what those are? ah, whatever.) and sent them to all my friends in a mass text;

Me: Hey guys look what I got!

Francis: My what a cute little one, you're lucky Alfred~!

Kiku: he is...kawaii

Me: Yeah dudes! I found him at the beach!

Francis: Aren't you lucky, I hope you two have fun ;)

Me: Yea we're gonna to bed in a lil bit

Gilbert: KESESESE Damnnnnn Alfred send more pics of that!

Francis: Yes tell me every detail in the morning~!

Kiku: me as well...

Me: Night guys!

Gilbert: Gute Nacht Alfred, GET SOME!

They're all jelly of my mermaid! :D but I mean get some what? Gil can be weird , "bedtime Artie!"

"My names not Artie it's Arthur."

"...ARTHUR..Get in the bed!"

"WHAT! I -I don't th-ink I'm ready..."

"Dude it's bedtime. I'm gonna go get my jammies on." What a werido. I just meet him and he thinks that I'm gonna sleep in my undies? Dude got another thing coming. Anyway I changed into my Spider-Man onesie and hopped into bed. Arthur just stood at the side of my bed staring at me awkwardly.

"Dude you comin or what? You do not want to sleep on the floor when the A/C comes on!"

"I-I do you really think this is ok...?"

"Dude get your fishy ass in here"

"Don't talk about my arse!"

RAWHH what a girl! I finally just grabbed him by the arm and dragged him in like the grudge oh shit that movie is scary D: I mean the way it just grabs people and they can't...get...away...

"WAHHHAHAHA"

"What is it!" He Jumped like a pussy, ah hahaha...

"It's going to kill me...I mean- Nothing!" I grabbed Artie cuz I didn't want him to jump again, "Its okay dude I got you!"

"Wha...BLAHG-" (Thats the noise a mermaid makes when you squeeze it too hard) "let- let go of mee~!"

"No I gotta protect you! I'm your hero, dude!"

After that Arthur shut up and I think fell asleep (what a dick while I'm here protecting his ass he fall asleep on me D:) For an aquatic animal he was really warm! Much warmer then Whaley (not like I cuddle with him at night or anything..."

A/N: My Maple I am so sorry for taking so long . I really couldn't think of anything but I have an idea for the next chapter so I hope that'll be better! Also, I know it's cheesy but I hope the comedy makes up for it... well Thanks for reading~!


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